Be Blessed: Vows and Divorce

"It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him offer her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that evryone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Again you have heard it said to those of old, 'You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.' But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by earth, for it is His footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not make an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair black or white. Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil." (Matthew 5:31-37)

The Lord takes vows seriously. So much so that He would discourage a divorce on the grounds of anything that doesn't defile the marriage bed, and He discourages making vows in general and attatching them to any material thing. There's a simple severity attached to our vows. So simple that many of us stumble into binding agreements that we aren't prepared to faithfully follow through on; so severe that it's in our best interest to earnestly consider the bigger picture before committing. This careful consideration and patience in making vows can save us a lot of guilt, shame, and trouble; and there's a lot of Word to back this up.

Plan in Community

"Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed." (Proverbs 15:22)

The best piece of advice I could give when dealing with vows and marriage (through no experience of my own, admittedly, but having carefully observed those around me) is to take the consideration seriously and to invite as many faithful people as you can into the process. To this I often say to my friends, "Don't let your thoughts and plans exist in a vacuum." It's advice I might do better at taking myself. There's beauty and safety in planning in community, in having a space to throw ideas up and receive constructive guidance. So, before making a vow as consequential as marriage or a simple as a lunch plan, consider what the appropriate amount of community involvement might be. In my experience the number of necessary counselors is usually at least one.

Plan Carefully

"The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." (Proverbs 21:5)

Beyond that, regardless of how many people you involve, you have a responsibility to plan diligently and honestly. This is the case for something as large as marriage as well as for something as small as a coffee date. I'd extend this even to the things you commit yourself to doing—working out, for example. There are many things that are good for us to do (hobbies, diets, budgets, etc.), and we ought to strongly and seriously consider them before launching ourselves into them. Before making large, lasting commitments, to yourself or to others, it's vital that you take the time to truly contemplate what it is you're signing up for. Doing so gives you time to prepare mentally for what won't always be an exciting or pleasant process. Start small if you have to and check in with yourself often.

Plan Humbly

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

Now we move to matters of allegience. When you've given your life the Christ, a large commitment in its own right (probably the biggest one), you are essentially declaring that you release yourself to His will regardless of the circumstances. Understanding a commitment as large as that helps turn you into the person who could maintain a smaller commitment (like marriage, ha). Anyway, this is the ultimate commitment, the ultimate vow. It supercedes all other vows, large and small. Every decision we make and every heart posture we take is to be done so with God in mind. Proverbs (3:5-6) promises that doing so in every decision we make ensures that we stay on the right path.

Act Faithfully

"When you vow a vow to God, do not delay paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you vow. It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. Let not your mouth lead you into sin, and do not say before the messenger that it was a mistake. Why should God be angry at your voice and destroy the work of your hands?" (Ecclesiastes 5:4-6)

This is where the advice not to make a vow in the first place comes in handy. Commitments, large and small, are all binding under the Lord. There's grace indeed, but if we're looking to look more like Jesus and live a life He modeled and taught, then we ought to be growing in our faithfulness to the promises and commitments we do make to ourselves and to others. If commited to living as we might, then we become people who can live simply from 'yeses' and 'nos.' If we'd look at our vow to the Lord, then to every other vow beneath that, and we'd relieve our tongues and clear our consciences of the guilt of an unnecessary or misunderstood vow.

Be blessed.